NHL Team Name Death Match Round 2: Eastern Conference

May 14, 2013 by

Crosby trying to decide between chocolate chip mint or cookie dough.

We did this for all Round 1 matchups with limited success (3/8). The big surprises in the East were an army of bears (Bruins) taking down an army of humans (Maple Leafs), frontier lawmen (Rangers) ransacking a heavily fortified city (Capitals) and high-powered politicos (Senators) actually accomplishing something.

With the lockout shortened season the second round gets going tonight, leaving us with very little time to analyze the extremely scientific method of Team Name Death Match Playoff Predictions.

We’ll start out East.

Penguins vs. Senators

Penguins had to kick things in to high gear to dispatch a pesky Islanders squad, and was the only Eastern Death Match I predicted correctly in the first round. Much like the opening series the flightless birds take on a relatively mundane group of human beings. On a battlefield, could every Canadian senator defeat an army of penguins? The question is one of simple math. There are currently 105 Canadian Senators, compared to about 20,000,000 penguins. That’s 200,000 penguins/senator, an insurmountable advantage to the penguins. Even if given only a decent-sized army of say 10,000 penguin warriors, that is 100/1. I think an average human armed with a blunt instrument could certainly take down 10-20 penguins, but 100? Those slippery bastards would eat them alive.

Pens in 7

Bruins vs. Rangers

I’d say it’s a tough call but we pretty much already went through this matchup in Round 1. My thinking was that bears, regardless of their sheer power and killing abilities, lacked the leadership and tactical warfare capabilities to compete with armed human beings. And I almost got it right. Only the biggest meltdown since Three Mile Island prevented the upset victory by Toronto. Side Note: Even as a life-long Canucks fan who has been brainwashed to hate the Leafs since birth, it was tough to watch that team lose in that fashion. I might not like the logo, but the players on that team are likable guys and they gave it a real gutsy effort. That being said, I’m a Canucks fan and I don’t really have any spare misery to share with other teams. Heard a lot of Vancouverites say they’d rather get swept than lose like the Leafs. It might have been emotionally easier loss to stomach, but if I was a Leafs fan I’d have a lot more pride in my team than I feel for the Nucks right now. Rangers were pretty skilled with a six-shooter, and they can take the bear army to the brink, but we’ve seen this story before and the Bruins slug out the bloody battles.

Bruins in 6

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