NHL Team Name Death Match Playoff Predictions: Western Conference

Apr 29, 2013 by

“Is that a potato or are Green Men just packing?”

We already did the Eastern Conference Team Name Death Matches earlier today which featured five humans, two animals and a city. The West is a more diverse bunch but still features some humanoids going up against some stiff competition. Without further delay, the thoroughly unreliable Western Conference Team Name Death Match Playoff Predictions.

Chicago (1) vs, Minnesota (8)

This is the kind of Team Name Death Match pairing you dream of. A famed Native American warrior and leader goes up against Mother Nature herself. Blackhawks were labelled so by their owner who was the leader of an infantry division that was named after the legendary Illinois Indian. Black Hawk was a leader of the Sauk people, fought in many historic battles and was generally super badass. The Wild name was chosen over Blue Ox (imagine the jerseys), White Bears (racist), Northern Lights (ridiculous), Voyageurs (nope) and Freeze (this). Safe to say they got it right, even if it is one of those smug modern team names that doesn’t end with an “S”. Nobody can tame the harsh wilderness, just ask that needle-dick kid from Into the Wild, but one can learn to co-exist with nature and live off the land. Black Hawk hunted wild animals, harvested crops and used raw materials for tools and weapons to fight for his people. He sort of already fought the wild and won.

Hawks in 6

Anaheim (2) vs. Detroit (7)

Red Wings comes from “Winged Wheelers” which used to be the name of a Montreal hockey outfit the original owner of the Wings played for. The wheel logo of course being a nod to the city’s automotive industry. And then they added red I guess. Ducks were once Mighty Ducks and of course were named after the immensely popular Disney movie that may or may not have played a large part in my childhood. Especially this scene where Emilio rocks some Rollerblades and reflects on the universe. Emiliooooooooooooooo! It really is an interesting fight: a flying tire vs. a duck. If it was still a mighty duck I’d give the water fowl an automatic W, but a garden variety duck isn’t going to dominate airborne rubber. It would be a gnarly scrap, but ultimately it is impossible to measure the intelligence of the Red Wing, and a duck, while just as stupid as any bird, does have a brain and defense instincts. Just ask this Doberman.

Ducks in 7

Vancouver (3) vs. San Jose (6)

I was all ready to write a one-word sentence Death Match handing this bout to the Sharks. Then I started looking in to the origin of the word Canuck. While it is sort of a catch-all term simply meaning a Canadian, nobody has any idea where the term originates. The Wikipedia entry is like a Dan Brown novel (a Benedict Arnold mispronunciation due to chattering teeth? What did I just read?) and without etymological evidence it’s difficult to say what a Canuck really is. We could take Johnny Canuck as a representative, who is basically the Canadian version of Captain America. Johnny Canuck and later Captain Canuck were Canadian superheroes but with no powers, like a plaid Batman. The former was used in WW2 times for morale purposes and fought Hitler and almost single-handedly won the war. So fuck off America and Britain and France and other Allied countries, you didn’t do shit, it was all Johnny Canuck. Still, we’re talking a giant, killer shark here, right? Even old Adolf the evil swine would shit himself when faced with the gnashing jaws of an aquatic assassin. But there are seven species of sharks off the Pacific coast of California (completely unverified but I did Google it) and the only one that looks even remotely like the all-black animal in their logo is the recently discovered Eastern Pacific Black Ghostshark, (Hydrolagus menalophasma). It is much smaller and has rabbit teeth but does have a sex organ on its forehead (for real) is hundreds of millions of years old and technically isn’t a shark but they named it a ghost shark. Those crazy zoologists! The match really comes down to terrain. In open water with no weapons against a Great White of course the Canuck buys it. But in a shallow tank against a ghostshark and an unbiased referee I’d give even the calmest Canadian even money after basic shark-fighting prep.

Canucks in 6

St. Louis (4) vs. Los Angeles (5)
St. Louis Blues is the title of an old-timey W.C. Handy song, which is definitely a musician and is definitely not a sex act performed in a lavatory. Kings are royal sonsabitches that rule over kingdoms and have immense wealth and generally great power. I’d love to allude to some far flung legend of a king who is somehow bested by music but I can’t find one and it seems unlikely. Unless the king was like the guy in Footloose and tried to squash music because it made people horny or something only the townsfolk revolted and rocked out with their cocks and were all like “fuck you king!” and the Queen even joins in the big choreographed dance number at the end. “Hello, Hollywood? Get me Steven Spielberg! OK get me Michael Bay! Hello?”

Kings in 6


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