NHL Team Name Death Match Playoff Predictions: Eastern Conference

Apr 29, 2013 by

Crosby prepares for the rigors of the Stanley Cup playoffs by holding in a fart

We already did this for the NBA Playoffs with mixed results so far, but hypothetical death matches are more fun than a Bonkers birthday party, so NHL team name death match is happening. Let’s start out East.

Penguins (1) vs. Islanders (8)

Islanders Fun Fact: The Islanders came third in a team-naming contest for the baseball franchise that would become the Mets. A decade later they needed a name for their hockey team, and they play their home games on Long Island, so, The Islanders were born. From what I can gather they are just a bunch of people who prefer to dwell primarily on archipelagos. Their compulsive need to be surrounded by water is concerning but not exactly threatening, and while their proclivity for isolation might be an indication of a deep-seeded psychosis I’m not sure they are anymore dangerous than any random group of individuals. Penguins on the other hand are delightful birds that can’t fly, mate for life and do stupid shit like walk thousands of miles just to stand around in the freezing ass fucking cold while Morgan Freeman jabbers on. There aren’t any Penguins in Pennsylvania but alliteration won out in the team naming contest. In a hypothetical death match the Penguins would be quite formidable, as they can withstand the elements and when banded together in a large flock would be extremely hard to murder en masse. Slippery little bastards. The Islanders folk would ultimately grow exhausted and perish from exposure.

Pens in 5

Montreal (2) vs. Ottawa (7)


This all-Canadian matchup features a hypothetical humans vs. humans death match. In one corner you have the Montreal Canadiens, or The Habs, which basically indicates a group of French-Canadian people, which could be scary depending on their hygeine and level of agitation. The Senators were once the best franchise in the league in the 1800s, but that was when real Senators still wore sweet white wigs and banged gavels and said shit like “Remove this charlatan from my chambers!” Now, I imagine current Senators eat a lot of grilled-cheese sandwiches and take lots of vacations. I think you need four out of the 105 to pass any law and even then they have a tough time getting that many awake in one place to vote anything through. The political moniker is a reference to Ottawa being our capital city and the de facto centre for Canadian politics, which makes their logo even more confusing. Why is there a Roman general on the front? That man isn’t an active member of Senate and if he is there is either something wrong with his medication or the Parliamentary dress code. You’d think a powerful group of high-ranking politicians could take out a band of even the crankiest Canadiens, but they’d probably get stalled voting on attack tactics and end up being ambushed by the sneaky French-Canadians.

Habs in 7

Capitals (3) vs. Rangers (6)

Capitals is a pretty humdrum name, Washington, D.C. is the capital of the United States of America so owner Abe Pollan dubbed his hockey team The Capitals. While we’re here, how unnecessarily confusing is the whole District of Columbia thing? So the district that is home to the capital city of the entire United States isn’t offcially a part of any U.S. state? Makes sense. Rangers is a reference to the frontier lawmen of the early 1800s and the original owner of the franchise, Tex Rickard (Tex’s Rangers). I’m thinking a group of highly trained and armed men would have a pretty good shot at ransacking even a well-defended capital city depending on the time period. Of course if a bunch of dipshit cowboys rolled in to D.C. this afternoon they’d be sumarily slaughtered with extreme prejudice by the military stationed and defending the U.S. capital city.

Caps in 6

Bruins (4) vs. Maple Leafs (5)

I’ve expounded on the Maple Leafs franchise name before and its affront to grammar and was bombarded with hate from The Big Smoke, but here they are back in the playoffs after a decade’s absence as a five seed. Regardless of your feelings towards the Leafs (unjustified hate or otherwise) them being decent is good for hockey overall, so I like that they are back in the postseason.  The name Maple Leafs isn’t just a cheap tactic to appeal to our national pride, but refers to a World War 1 army regiment. Unfortunately they are going up against a pack of brown bears, which when hungry, agitated or defending their cubs can be quite lethal. This is the ultimate Team Name Death Match. Basically you have a regiment of armed humans going up against a horde of brown bears. Are the bears capable of formulating even the most basic attack strategy? Will the army regiment throw down their weapons and run panicked when they see a pack of frothing beasts charging for them? They say bears are faster than horses at full speed, so a ground war would be a blood bath with officers trying to put down bears before they could get close enough to straight claw their heads off. If the numbers are even on both sides and the regiment only has WWI technology you have to think the bears put up a fight, but without any tactics or leadership eventually the humans would rally and defeat the Great Brown Bear Army. I would watch the shit out of that.

Leafs in 7

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