NBA Playoff Predictions by Team Name Fight to the Death: Eastern Conference

Apr 18, 2013 by

Predicting the outcome of playoff series based on quality of the players and coaches isn’t just foolhardy, it’s boring. Heat in 5! What a bold prediction. So instead we will do it the old fashioned way, which is pitting NBA squads against eachother based on their team name and prediciting who would win a hypothetical battle to the death. Starting with the Eastern Conference.


Knicks vs. Celtics

drunk mick

Knicks is short for Knickerbockers which refers specifically to unfashionable pants worn by Dutch settlers in the early 1900s. Celtics is of course an Irish name that harkens back to the region’s proud (?) early settlers. So an article of clothing against an Irish person. I’m tempted to mock the Irish here and say the drunks couldn’t negotiate a pair of pants and would end up asphyxiating themselves but even the sloppiest Mick climbs in to a pair of slacks most mornings.

Celtics in 7, unless the pants are button fly in which case Knicks in 5

Pacers vs. Hawks

The origin of the Pacers is a combo of their harness racing pacers and an Indy 500 pace car. It’s an important distinction because a guy riding in a carriage being pulled by a horse is definitely vulnerable to birds of prey attacking from above, while an automobile would surely take out a hawk. My friend Kark was once driving along in his shitty little Mazda 323 when he heard a loud clunk and his car jumped like he had hit a speed bump. So he pulls over and gets out of the car. A man who had been mowing his lawn walked over and started exclaiming “What have you done?! How could you?!” in a thick Scottish accent. Kark, understandably confused, asks Groundskeeper Willie what he’s talking about. The guy reaches underneath the car and pulls out a massive hawk carcass, probably the last of his species and starts berating Kark. “You’ve killed it! You’ve murdered a majestic creature!” And holding it up in his face. So if a 323 can take out a hawk I’m taking Indy car for sure.

Pacers in 5

Nets vs. Bulls

On the surface this a no-brainer. A giant, raging bovine versus criss-crossed cloth appears to be a very lopsided matchup. But given a big enough net I feel like the Bull could be trapped and placed in to captivity where it would be domesticated to the point where I could ride it through the streets of Vancouver like a Conquistador (who I’m pretty sure rode horses but fuck you who’s the Conquistador here?) That being said, the logo on their jersey depicts a standard hoops net, which even the tamest of toros would floss with.

Bulls in 6

Heat vs. Bucks

Bucks are resilient creatures that can survive the frigid Wisconsin winters no problem, but put one in a Finnish Sauna and I bet it cries Uncle (Buck?) pretty quick. Much like any mammal a buck can only withstand temperatures to a certain point. Even with that thick coat, you get up over 300 degrees and it wold just melt in to antler soup. El Heat will take down the regal beast in the first round.

Heat in 4


1 Comment

  1. Hank

    Wow laughing my arse off at these fight to the death NBA playoff team name-based predictions. Kudos my man!

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